If Sean Connery Didn't Have a Scottish Accent

A Great Place to Get Mugged

2008-05-11T17:54:00.002-04:00

NJ-NYC (2008)

You can call this a "frame within a frame."

Runny Schnozz

2008-05-01T12:26:00.002-04:00

Monumental (2008)

Notice how the faucet kind of reminds one of a gargantuan nose with snot dripping out of one nostril; or perhaps both, and there being so much mucous that the two trails of snot fuse together as they drip down the person's lips. No offense, but I'm just stating what I see. Or remember that game for kids called Gooey Louie where you had to pull the boogers out from under his nose? This photograph reminds me of that as well. Moreover, I was also going for the "creepy prison" look with this picture - as though an inmate just woke up in the middle of the night to wash his face; the sink would look like this.

The Brave Little Toaster

2008-05-01T12:25:00.001-04:00

Details (2008)

There is obviously no toaster in this photo, but it reminds me of The Brave Little Toaster. It made me cry when I was a kid, but I still absolutely loved it nonetheless. These kitchenwares do monumental, am I wrong? Oh how I love flat, sleek, modern stove tops. Helps to make a nifty picture.

Frogger

2008-05-01T12:24:00.000-04:00

Details (2008)

Green! Doesn't it look a though all of these little critters could just jump and burst into life? Not really, or maybe so for you mentally deranged folks. I love food and I love green. In other terms, I would probably fall in love with an Irish cook someday. The macro viewer on my camera was actually being competent for once as I was taking this picture - and I have to say, it turned out pretty darn skippy awesome.

You Light Up My Life

2008-05-01T12:23:00.001-04:00

Monumental (2008)

As any cultured person would know, "You Light Up My Life" is what is seemingly a very endearing love song by Debby Boone, Pat Boone's daughter. At first, we all thought that she was singing about a special man. Turns out she was actually singing about God. Since God is the light of Ms. Boone's life, the light bulb in this photograph is the well, light of the photograph. Kind of neat how a lamp is actually supposed to be bright, but I somehow managed to make this simple table lamp look gloomy and depressing (much like myself). Props to me, I guess.

Crematorium

2008-05-01T12:22:00.001-04:00

Details (2008)

Nice lighter, eh? They don't come cheap. I guess the message in this photograph is some sort of a "secret," or so I hear. To be honest - I don't know; it just looks nice. I can tell you this, though - my hand almost burned while trying to get the right shot, from holding the lighter while it's on for such a long time.

It's Toasted

2008-05-01T12:21:00.001-04:00

Monumental (2008)

"It's Toasted" in actuality, is the slogan for Lucky Strike brand cigarettes. You know, the kind that your grandfather smoked in the trenches during World War II like a joint because there isn't any filter and he wouldn't want any tobacco sticking to his lips. I chose to make this object "monumental," because it bears a very monumental place in my heart (sorry, I just had to). There were two lamps used for this photograph: a desk lamp from the right and a table lamp from the left, and the desk is made from cheap mahogany imitation purchased at Caldor approximately ten years ago. Remember that sleazy department store of which may be the equivalent of Kohl's or K-Mart these days? Caldor was a major Jamesway competitor.

Mallard Fillmore

2008-05-01T12:19:00.002-04:00

Self-Motivated (2008)

This little ducky reminds me of that comic strip, Mallard Fillmore. Simple as that. And if you didn't get it, "Mallard Fillmore" is a play off of ex-United States President Millard Fillmore and his incessant incompetence.

KFC

2008-05-01T12:18:00.000-04:00

Self-Motivated (2008)

If you look up the album cover for the Faith No More album entitled Angel Dust, you will see a very striking resemblance to this photo. I was joyously frolicking through a suburban park one day and saw this duck grooming itself, and then additionally being lucky enough to catch it at the right moment.

Big Bird Was Here

2008-05-01T12:16:00.000-04:00

Storybook (2008)

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Diabeetus

2008-05-01T12:15:00.002-04:00

Signs (2008)

Have you ever felt more greasier in your life? As scummy as Newark already is, this eatery just adds to its scumminess. But I do say, it looks as though this was taken back in the day, say the 1920s or so. Surely you know that I am certainly not in my eighties when it comes to age, but 'tis true indeed that I like to take vintage-looking photographs. Wasn't this description useful?

Happy Juice

2008-05-01T12:13:00.001-04:00

Self-Motivated (2008)

I don't know about you, but this type of jolly beverage brings me much more joy than a box of Mott's apple juice. Even the quality of the container is a lot more impressive. No straw required.

Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood

2008-05-01T12:11:00.001-04:00

Self-Motivated (2008)

If Mr. Rogers were to finally realize how low his ratings were and got so depressed about it and started up a crack habit, this is what his neighborhood would look like. No longer would he wear the same red cardigan every day, it would then be a brown, dingy parka.

Crayola

2008-05-01T12:09:00.002-04:00

Self-Motivated (2008)

Lots of detail in terms of millions of tree branches, so lovingly taken with my broken Nikon camera. It is so reliable that I have to tie a rubber band around the battery case just so that the device would work. Miraculously this picture (and everything else) was able to be pulled out of it.

Soul Pole

2008-05-01T12:07:00.002-04:00

Self-Motivated (2008)

A monumental soul pole is beautifully displayed here, on a gloriously sunny day in the middle of winter - the winter part is a complete lie, this was actually in spring. Could you have guessed what part of the year this was taken had I not told thee?

Mufasa

2008-05-01T12:05:00.001-04:00

Self-Motivated (2008)

If this tree were a bit fatter, would it not look like the Tree of Life from The Lion King? I think so.

Ethereal Cereal

2008-05-01T08:29:00.002-04:00

Self-Motivated (2008)

Very peaceful, which is ironic because the photograph is so dark.

The Crow

2008-05-01T08:27:00.000-04:00

Self-Motivated (2008)

Trees is pretty!

Dolly Parton

2008-05-01T08:26:00.001-04:00

Newark Scavenger Hunt (2008)

What's the point of holding an umbrella like that when the figurine is going to be upside down?

The Amputee

2008-05-01T08:25:00.005-04:00

Details (2008)

I do not have mercy for those who have an amputee fetish. Inspired by the David Lynch short film of the same title.

8 Heads in a Duffel Bag

2008-05-01T08:25:00.001-04:00

Newark Scavenger Hunt (2008)

I tried watching that Danny DeVito film of the same title, but only recall being bored and not seeing any duffel bag or decapitated heads. It was quite a disappointment. In contrast, the only disappointment with this photograph is that you could see yours truly in it - which was definitely not intended. However, if thee were not in the reflection, thou wouldst think that this is an awesome photograph?

Moi

2008-05-01T08:23:00.000-04:00

Self-Portrait (2008)

'Twas going for the pedophile look. I probably succeeded.

Tin Man

2008-05-01T08:22:00.003-04:00

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (2008)

Yes, this picture is very creepy. I shall consider myself quite proud for turning a place that is supposedly busy and bustling with cranky New York commuters into a deserted hot spot for violence and muggings.

Elton John

2008-05-01T08:22:00.002-04:00

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (2008)

Follow the yellow brick road - or so, Sir Elton John would say; hence the title of this photograph. This was taken in the New York City Subway, which I of course dare not venture alone, for it is nothing but a maze of tiles, metal, concrete, dirt, rats, and dirty human beings. Yet somehow I seemed to capture a very desolate moment in this maze, and at the same time capturing the very eerie essence of it as well. Good job. Go me.

Smog Canyon

2008-05-01T08:21:00.000-04:00

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (2008)

Very dramatic, I would have to say. This photograph was taken while standing on the edge of a crosswalk and risking my life - just for this class. I should win a medal just for that. But anyway, I am pretty pleased with this picture. It's very classic and timeless in a way - I'd hang that piece up in my dining room if I could (my mother is in charge of our home decor).

Farmer Vincent

2008-05-01T08:20:00.001-04:00

Newark Scavenger Hunt (2008)

At first I had no idea what this was, and then came to my senses and realized that it's the wheel so that the gates slide open - it also happens to be a phallic symbol, from the angle that I captured it.

Smoke n' Coke

2008-05-01T02:47:00.000-04:00

Signs (2008)

I consider this one pretty lackluster for my standards. Who can't take a picture of a building? And yes, again with this theme of "dark and eerie." Seems to be the easiest mood for me to capture. I guess I have found my niche in the big wide world of photography. Go me.

Hamilton

2008-05-01T02:45:00.001-04:00

Self-Motivated (2008)

Remember Hamilton Pig from Tiny Toon Adventures? Well, this is what he would look like if he were slaughtered.

Alice in Chains

2008-05-01T02:43:00.001-04:00

Self-Motivated (2008)

If I could, I would dare somebody to try to eat that for $50.

Skoal

2008-05-01T02:38:00.004-04:00

Self-Motivated (2008)

Yes, Skoal as in the chewing tobacco horseshoe that you form in your mouth when you dip. (I do not know this from experience)

Cake Walk

2008-05-01T02:38:00.001-04:00

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (2008)

This man has no idea that he is walking right over what could possibly be a cloud of asbestos. But me - I knew perfectly well. But I care so much about my photography that I risked the inevitable sickness known as "mesothelioma" just to snap this picture. It also looks like the man is wearing a pair of Banana Republic "Relaxed Fit Dawson" chinos.

Goldilocks

2008-05-01T02:34:00.001-04:00

Self-Motivated (2008)

This reminds me of Goldilocks or Little Red Riding Hood skipping through the woods and eventually finding herself at some sort of a supposedly adorable house. I took this photograph from the view of the predator, albeit the Big Bad Wolf or the Berenstein Bears.

Chunnel

2008-05-01T02:28:00.000-04:00

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (2008)

This isn't really the famous European Chunnel. At all. It was just an Asian girl sitting in the back of a PATH train and illegally taking photographs with her digital camera. Like I have succeeded in doing so before, I seemed to have made this rather frequently-traveled railroad look old and abandoned. If it truly were old and abandoned, I don't think anybody would want to travel that far down the tracks by foot in what was 30-degree-weather that day. Screw that.